The Art of Co-Creation [How Psychedelics Medicine Can Help Couples]
“Is there someone that can love you better? Is there someone who can love them better?”
Read Time : 13 mins
The year is 2018 at Wanderlust Palm Springs when my wife, Tami, and I heard this question prompt. This question would go on to shape our marriage, friendship, and co-creation for the rest of our lives.
For the both of us, the answer is still a resounding “no!”
We don’t call our partnership a relationship, it’s a CO-CREATION. Our kids give us plenty of shit about this, dismissing it as new-age fluff, but we let their grief run off our backs like water on feathers. Why? Because we believe it wholeheartedly to our core. This was an intentional decision based on the fact that we came together as whole individuals, not needing anything or anyone to complete us. We consciously chose each other after finding contentment in being alone, happy, and whole. When you choose someone from a place of joyful liberation and not out of desperation, it means you don’t have to worry about the constant tensions created by the push and pull of energies, expectations, and conflicts that arise from leaning on things outside of your heart.
For Tami and I, our love started with each of us being full on our own. We created a transparent and trusting friendship. We didn’t fall in love. It didn’t happen to us. We created our love together. We named our own and honored each other’s requirements. We started from a place of trust, transparency, and safety. We grew our love together with every act of compassion and kindness, with every time we turned towards instead of away. We planned how we would fight so we knew how to honor instead of hurt one another. Our love grew because we did, both individually and collectively. I once asked her, “do you think our love can go deeper?” It has and it does. It continues to expand because we do the work…and we make it fun and playful every opportunity we can.
Is Love the Greatest Container of All?
Love is an emotional relational ecology. When we are connected in the right conditions, we thrive. Love is a process, a container, an invitation to understand ourselves and each other more intimately, deeply, authentically, and vulnerably. When we feel safe enough, trust enough, and we are surrounded by transparency and trust, we have the freedom to be ourselves instead of managing our own stories or each other’s. As a container, it becomes a safe space for us to process and integrate our past wounding by remembering (thinking), reconnecting (feeling), and reframing (embodiment).
Sound familiar? These conditions outlined above are all the requirements for a psychedelic healing container. Much like traditional couple’s therapy, psychedelic co-creation work must be a choice both partners are willing to make. Both parties must be willing to show up authentically and do the work to either nurture their relationship or find the mutual and healthy routes towards separation.
These principles and practices are not something read about or learned through an on-line course, but something lived, tested, and proven through life. They have been informed by experts, put into action, and tested again and again.
There are innumerous paths to the point where couple’s find themselves disconnected, sparking like two ends of a cut wire. Cheating. Changing careers. Unfair household and childcare distribution. Unrealistic expectations and outdated gender norms. But one thing in common is that couples who find themselves near the end have already given up far before honestly seeing and understanding one another. Within a psychedelic healing container, we have the chance to illuminate and heal wounds, reinvigorate love and compassion and most importantly restructure the foundation and tools both parties need to move forward.
Psychedelics are not a magic bullet. They do not create content; they can only access it. They cannot create love if love’s been replaced by dissent, fear, or a negative sentiment override (the general view that your partner’s behaviors or faults are confirmation of a defect of character as opposed to an opportunity to find healing and understanding together). Psychedelics cannot show up and do the work for you – a common belief held by individuals looking to bypass the discomfort of “the work.” They can radically expedite the time to discover our obstacles, expose our conflicts, and reveal our impasses. They can renew and refresh a sense of safety and support for couples mired in conflict. They can give us an opportunity to see, hear, and value each other clearly, separate from the stories that emerge in the absence of honest communication. They can help us restore the integrity of our ecosystem, individually and collectively, one that is composed of three entities: you, me, and us. It is the honoring of all these parts that can bring balance and nurturance to our emotional relational system.
The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work by John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute
As a husband and psychedelic healer, both my life and my work are greatly informed by the Gottman Institute. I carry these principles with me in my co-creation and help others to integrate them into theirs. I love them because they are practical, they work, and they are backed by decades of research. If you are unfamiliar with John and Julie Gottman, I strongly encourage you to pick up and read any one of their books, regardless of relationship status.
1) Enhance your love maps. These are all the points of connection to your partner, their family, history, friends, quirks, passions and interests, joys and fears, vulnerabilities, etc. Knowing your partners love maps is knowing them, their history, and their context. It is knowing the strength, the struggle, and the mess...and accepting all of it."
2) Nurture your fondness and admiration. This starts with the ways you speak about each other, complement one another, and show your love. It is an important task to learn each other’s love languages (The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman) and use that language as a way to express your love, fondness, and admiration of them. Don’t assume your partner knows; if you think it, speak it. It may seem silly, but if this new to you, rehearse positive thoughts and actions daily. Do it until it becomes habit. Walking is awkward at first, but with practice, you learn to stroll.
3) Turn towards each other instead of away. These are the actions, big and small, that fill our “love buckets.” As Brené Brown describes, this is the marble jar where each act of kindness and attunement represents a marble added to the friendship jar. Put another way, make frequent deposits into each other’s emotional bank account. If there is “no time” for the small moments, make time. As Gandhi said, “actions express priorities.”
4) Let your partner influence you. Share power, consult your partner, don’t hide or omit, otherwise you risk exacerbating conflict and turning away instead of towards. Welcome and value your partner’s influence and suggestions. You are equals, not a hierarchy. Make everything open to discussion - if it’s challenging, it likely means there is some unresolved developmental trauma around the topic, e.g. finances, kids, marriage, etc.
5) Solve your solvable problems. A single solvable problem is easy to manage. Multiple becomes harder. Add in something that you are not prepared to handle, and it becomes amplified by the cumulative impact of all the difficulty. Solve what you can as soon as possible to keep your perspective in check. Start soft, utilize repair attempts, monitor your body, compromise if need be, and tolerate/accept imperfections. I am reminded of the often quoted, “would you rather be right or happy?” Self-righteousness creates imbalances of power and inequities within the relationship. Remember, your partner is your life partner and love, not your adversary.
6) Overcome gridlock. It is easy to get lost and confused in gridlock. I’d recommend focusing on which of your needs is not being met before tackling the conflict with your partner. Tend to your needs first and approach the gridlock in a regulated state. Find your common ground and compromise if need be. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to be effective and kind. Recognize your part in creating the gridlock. If you can’t claim any of it, you are essentially blaming your partner and there will be no genuine movement. Most gridlock centers around children, money, sex, gender stereotypes, religion, parenting style, discipline practices, extended family, and/or messiness. These do not have to be solved to be happy or fun; sometimes levity and humor is the antidote to gridlock. Acceptance of your partners differences is more important than highlighting and fighting about them.
7) Create shared meaning. A relationship, and family, is a culture. For Tami and I, our culture is love, acceptance, and play. Our currency is kindness. When we screw up, we admit it. We blended our family and, thus, have blended our rituals together. We share our values and our goals, even and especially if they are different. We support each other’s successes, and nurture each other’s failures. As the saying goes, a rising tide lifts all boats. And in our family, we have a lot of boats!
The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse & An Actionable Relationship for TODAY!
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These are “The Four Horseman” as described by The Gottman Institute and sure fire signs that your relationship is doomed if something isn’t done immediately. This is not my opinion, but something robustly researched by the Gottman's as predictors of relationship failure. If these are the only tools you have left to interact with your partner, please stop. Asking for help is one of the bravest actions you can take.
So, what can we do if we don’t readily have a psychedelic healing container planned or, if perhaps, that isn’t part of the healing plan [yet]? You can always start by reaching out. Asking for help is a great first step.
Some final words of advice to share. No problem can be solved unless your partner feels accepted and equal. Plan how you fight when you’re not fighting. Focus on the behavior, not the character. Take time if need be and try repair attempts, i.e. humor, white flags, safe words, etc. Repair injuries quickly, completely, and kindly. If your attempts start negatively, critically, or harshly, it usually ends the same way. Quickly take time and space to find a new approach, but re-engage. If you screw up, apologize and try again. Dust yourself off and try again until you get it right or, at the least, better. Disengagement is a form of emotional abandonment. It is not resolved if it isn’t talked about - it just goes underground and becomes an erosive force or a resentment-in-waiting. If you find yourself fact-finding and building a case against your partner (negative sentiment override), seek help. I promise you that fixing or releasing the relationship is a far better option than the collateral damage created by two partners hellbent on hurting one another."
With love & light,
Soul Surgeon MD
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Is Jaden Smith’s New Psychedelic Inspired Clothing Line Positively Representing the Community or Actively Working Towards Negative Stereotyping?
Jaden Smith’s interview at last month’s 2023 Psychedelic Science Summit in Denver was a big celebrity media highlight. He sat down to discuss the role psychedelics played in his healing journey and how they aided in his increased empathy towards his siblings.
As it happens, Smith has an entire high fashion clothing line heavily inspired by psychedelic medicine. The brand MSFTSrep dubs themselves as “A Collective Of Individuals Dedicated To Evolving The Consciousness Of Humanity Through Science And Art.”
The brand utilizes psychedelic and indigenous terminology like “medicine healer,” "mystic,” and phrases commonly used in integration work like, “interconnectedness.” However, their marketing also interweaves terms such as "trippy' and "stoned" and capitalizes on Instagram-able moments with pretty people that perpetuate a veneer of "cool."
Psychedelics have undoubtably served as major catalysts of inspiration, for artists in pop culture for decades, but the question remains - does this high end fashion line positively or accurately represent a community that is actively fighting tooth and nail for visibility, legalization and destigmatization in order to bring healing to those in need - or - is it simply piggybacking off of this incredibly strenuous work in order to turn a profit?
Let me know what your views are on this matter and if it is possible, how does an artist tastefully give credit to psychedelics without commodifying it’s sacral elements?
