The Unhealed Family System [Holiday Edition]
Firstly, I want to say a warm, wholehearted “hello and thank you” to all of the new subscribers here on The Container. I hope you’ll find this newsletter to be an in-depth look into topics within the world of psychedelics and healing. If you have questions, concerns or are interested in starting your healing journey, please reach out. We are here to help. And as for our continued subscribers, welcome back, and thank you for being here!
It’s been my unique experience and absolute honor as a psychedelic facilitator, healer, husband and father to bring journey work to family systems. It has been extraordinary to witness the kind of transformation which not only heals generational trauma, but presents actionable methods to prevent that trauma from continuing on to future familial generations. Breaking the patterns of generational trauma is no easy task, and often, the burdens of healing work delayed or deferred falls on the individual(s) empowered to stop the vicious cycles from perpetuating down the family tree.
There are so many of us who have put in the work, have explored - what feels like - every healing modality new and old, adopted new constructive habits, and slowly but surely developed new found senses of spirituality, wholeness and purpose… but no matter what we do, we cannot force others to heal. The holidays, a beautiful time for togetherness, can also present both opportunities and challenges to put our hard healing work to the test. We may come face to face with family members who were the source of our trauma or perhaps the time of years brings painful memories to the surface.
If you’re feeling worried or find yourself falling into old patterns, you might find some comfort in the reminder that you are more certainly not alone. According to a poll, conducted by Morning Consult on behalf of the American Psychiatric Association (APA), “Americans are five times more likely to say their level of stress increases rather than decreases (41% to 7%),” during the holiday season. There are an estimated 10 million Americans who experience seasonal depression. The SAMHSA reported that 64% of individuals living with a mental illness had conditions worsened around the holidays. I won’t spend time harping on these statistics though because what interests me far more and what I believe will interest you more is a look into the why in an effort to face these “mirrors,” or the opportunity to view and sit with our triggers and instead of falling backwards into self-abandonment - we look inward with courage, empathy and compassion for ourselves and others.
“64% of individuals living with a mental illness had conditions worsen around the holidays.”
Let’s start with how trauma is “passed down” within family systems. There is a growing number of practitioners, myself included, who believe that mental illness is not genetic, but actually a symptom of dysfunctional environments. There has never been a gene isolated that explains mental illness. There are associations and correlations, but no causing or offending gene. The turning off and on of specific gene patterns is a concept called epigenetics – basically, how your body, and genetic material, respond to your environment. Your environment is more than just our external surroundings, but also what is happening within oneself. Remember, trauma is not what happens to us, but what we are left with internally.
Genetics are a scapegoat. A chance to shift personal or societal accountability for the toxic conditions we are expected to survive in and instead blame offending, microscopic structures for the patterns of pain and suffering that emerges. Why take personal responsibility for the pain we’re experiencing or inflicting on others, when we can defer to losing the genetic lottery? Why work to unearth and explore the repressed traumas in our lives when we can take a pill? Why attempt to fix the family system when it’s just the way the family is? You can’t change genetics…or at least not yet. I’m sure at some point, someone will offer something akin to CRISPR for mental health to bypass “the work.”
Family systems are perfect containers for these conditions. Untreated mental illness or poor mental health stays trapped in our external environments wreaking havoc on our internal systems. Generation after generation are subjected to repeated traumas, ignored or maladaptively coped with, perpetuating similar forms of mental illnesses or adaptations until it shapes the culture of our family ecosystem. This also applies to intergenerational trauma or trauma not felt or experienced by one self, but rather intuited and attuned to through the heightened sensitivity of a developing neuropsychoemotional system. This trauma is “inherited” by our ancestors who as a group collectively experienced horrific events or abuse like slavery, natural disasters, or genocide.
The unhealed family system serves as an incubator to cultivate the tradition of trauma. In a perfect world, whole families would seek trauma healing together. That might seem like an outlandish idea, but as I mentioned earlier, I have led entire families through healing journeys. What starts as one brave souls’ quest for wholeness and healing can cascade into a multifamily member endeavor. On the opposite side, I encounter the limits of working with adolescence when the adults are unwilling to examine the myriad of ways in which trauma is created. I want to emphasize; this is not about blame! Trauma begets trauma. Hurt people hurt people. It is not about intentionality, but often lack of awareness, skills or tools, or support. This is where family systems work hits full stride, when healing the individuals that make up a system, you are creating a unit that is greater than the sum of its parts.
“The unhealed family system serves as an incubator to cultivate the tradition of trauma.
Before I finish off, I would like to also shine a light on the immense pressure our maternal figures feel and withstand not just this holiday season, but all year round. Many households are disastrously disproportionate in terms of household and emotional labor. Gender stereotypes and roles persist despite the advancements and conversations around equality – we still have a long way to go. It takes both a mental and physical toll. Gabor Maté says, “Women take twice as many anti-depressants, get 80 percent of autoimmune disease, they get more chronic illness, more chronic pain than men do.”
The holidays unfortunately exacerbate this weight. So 'tis the season to ask your mother, wife, or maternal figure in your household how you can support them this time of year. It is said, a rising tide lifts all boats. This is not to say to do so at the detriment of your own mental health, but if you have the capacity to lend more love, I encourage you to do so.
The holiday season can be a slippery slop, becoming a capitalist call to consumerism and materialism. But, the holiday - whatever you celebrate - is about family, tradition, connection, and compassion. It doesn’t have to be about family pressures, over imbibing, entitlement, or insatiable consumption. It can be whatever you decide to make it. You can create new traditions, cook new foods, gift new things or experiences, and create a new culture – one predicated on care, empathy, compassion, and love.
If the frenetic energy is too much, take time for yourself so you can first show up for yourself, and then show up for others. It is the proverbial “oxygen mask” analogy – put yours on first! The holidays can insidiously become the quicksand of self-abandonment in service to others, but we are no good if we are a stump like in The Giving Tree.
And lastly, please remember, have fun! Every year my family and our friends go out into the neighborhood and sing carols. It is silly and every year we have a few holdouts that don’t want to participate, myself included. But, every year, we laugh our asses off and create memories together. The look on people’s faces when they open the door and hear us belting out holiday-themed songs is priceless. It is unexpected, unconditional joy, and it makes all the silliness worth it. So be silly. Even if you’re experiencing pain, a laugh has the power to transform your Spirit in an instant. For all of us who are privileged to have more than we need, spare a smile, an offer of generosity, or a warm gesture – it takes very little effort, and the impact can be huge.
Having an amazing holiday season, and I will see you all next year.
Happy holidays and have a safe, and fun, New Year!
——
Blame Gwyneth Paltrow for Psychedelics Losing their Cool?
This article is over 3 years old, but new to me. John Semley’s attempt to besmirch Gwyneth Paltrow for exploring the growing science and fascination with psychedelic science seems little more than a grown-man tantrum playing out an outdated, grumpy caricature online. The pessimistic author of Hater: On the Virtues of Utter Disagreeability, opines in superfluous paragraph after paragraph about tech bros, pseudoscience, and the psychedelic 60s. His bias is loud and palpable. He equates the psychedelic movement to its “origins” at Woodstock and Hell’s Angels, negating to acknowledge or recognize the thousands of years of cultural and religious use, the burgeoning academic and research institutions of excellence, or parse out the bad apples from the clear and profound data supporting these substances as medicine and healing agents.
Even if we were to pause to expand on what the 60s represented, distilling it down to “hedonistic recreational excess” completely dismisses the context and conditions that allowed the anti-government, anti-war, anti-establishment movement. This was a time shortly after the Second World War, The Cold War and its growing tensions with Russia during nuclear proliferation, the Korean War, and included the drafting of young men into soldiers for the Vietnam War. There was no internet to share ideas and connect one another. The government had more authority, power, and control over people’s lives and information; and a growing faction of people were sick of it. They created their movement and free expression as a “fuck you” to the government. They didn’t weaponize guns and bombs to use against the government, but rather music, mind-expanding drugs, and love. This was civil disobedience on a large scale, which fundamentally shifted the conversations and perspectives around our government. And yes, there were people in pain choosing to play out their maladaptive coping strategies with mind-manifesting medicines, but were also likely attempting to self-medicated untreated mental health and mixing substances that created the quintessential images that people reference to discredit the hippie movement.
At best, this is an example of bad journalism and biased reporting. At worst, it is an attempt to discredit a paradigm bursting wave of new medicine and modalities that threaten to upend mental health treatment. News flash: psychedelics aren’t supposed to be cool; they are powerful medicine to be treated with reverence and respect. There historical use predates innovative science and brings us back to a time when we gathered in villages, lived in communities, and took care of one another. Where the health of one was the concern of all. Where we gathered together to heal, instead of isolated alone to die.
Even if we were to pause to expand on what the 60s represented, distilling it down to “hedonistic recreational excess” completely negates the context and conditions that allowed the anti-government, anti-war, anti-establishment movement. This was a time shortly after the Second World War, The Cold War with it’s growing tensions with Russia during nuclear proliferation, the Korean War, and included the drafting of young men in soldiers for the Vietnam War. There was no internet to share ideas and connect one another. The government had more authority, power, and control over people’s lives and a growing faction of people were sick of it. They created their movement and free expression as a “fuck you” to the government. They didn’t weaponize guns and bombs to use against the government, but music, drugs of mind-expansion, and love. This was civil disobedience on a large scale, which fundamentally started to shift the conversations and perspectives around our government. And yes, there were people in pain who choose to play out their maladaptive coping strategies with mind-manifesting medicines, but really were probably attempting to self-medicated untreated mental health and mixing substances that created the quintessential images to discredit the hippie movement.
Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop are an easy target as they are bringing new ideas into the topic of health and wellness. There have been some claims made and products sold that I don’t agree with, but if consumers are turning towards Goop for the answers it’s because they are being let down by the institutions that are supposed to be beacons of health. I spent over 20 years in the medical system, and while there are some remarkable advances, the disease-treating model is no different than saying the fear-based abstinence model is the best we can expect for sexual education - dismissing all of the pleasurable opportunities available to intimate relationships. The western medical model needs you sick. There is far more money, technology, and research that goes into treating disease than investing in prevention or promoting wellness. The absence of disease is not wellness, and we would be deluding ourselves to think otherwise.
Psychedelics represent a new approach to mental health. They offer a window to self-inquiry and exploration, an opportunity to comb the archives and treat our pain at the source, and offer a treatment that doesn’t create a state of dependency on a pill or an institution. I commend Gwyneth and Goop for using their platform and their celebrity to introduce their audience and expand on the growing conversation around psychedelics. I commend anyone who is willing to open their mind and explore the propaganda – and stigma - that has been passed down from the “War on Drugs” rhetoric. Psychedelics are not the answer for everything, or a panacea as often termed, but they are a damn good option to help millions upon millions actively and/or silently suffering in human bodies. Instead of perpetuating the “virtues of utter disagreeability,” perhaps it’s time to adopt the virtues of curiosity. Disagreement is an important aspect of evolving discourse, but it can be done with grace. Curiosity offers us the lens to stop othering or marginalizing one another, and instead, start to hold each other with compassion. Be gentle to yourself and your fellow human beings.
