Love is Necessary: A Conversation Between a Father and his Teenage Daughter
Today, I have the distinct honor of welcoming a contributing writer, brilliant mind, and beautiful soul, Delilah Moos. For those unaware, Delilah is my daughter, 16 years old, an incoming Junior in High School. She is the third of six in our blended family, but my oldest.
Delilah is no stranger to hardship. I left my marriage with her mom when she was only 16 months old. She straddled the pains of navigating two homes, one in Los Angeles, the other in Orange County. She witnessed two parents attempt to do their best, but fail miserably. She endured a prolonged and protracted, high-conflict custody litigation that lasted over 5 years, which included three 730 court-appointed custody evaluations. Decisions such as where her clothes belong, which sport or extracurricular activity, when and where to vacation, and where to go to school became entrenched legal disputes pitting one household’s character defects against the other. She split her life, and her identity, in two, participating in some activities and preschool in one home, and different activities and another preschool in the other.
She learned early on that she couldn’t share her excitement and activities at one home out of fear of disappointing the other home’s parent. Her authenticity was collateral damage to maintain a sense of attachment in each home. There were unnamed rules that required her to show up differently in each home – one met with conditional acceptance or love, the other met with disappointments or criticisms.
Eventually, myself and her mom moved on to new partners and new marriages. Family systems were rebuilt with new conflicts, new rules, and new expectations. During this time, I was an alcoholic, stepping outside of my marriage through countless acts of infidelity. The duplicity, the alcoholism, and the infidelity eventually caught up to me, leading to a wake of devastation, a 43-day stint in rehab, my second divorce, and another disruption of a family home.
“There were unnamed rules that required her to show up differently in each home…”
Delilah turned 8 years old when I was in rehab. I remember because missing her birthday that year felt like one of my biggest failures. She thought I was at work – too busy to come home or show up. Eventually, when she turned 10, her identity was rocked when she found out that she was not my genetic daughter, but in fact, was the biological daughter of her stepdad. A fact that had been revealed to me shortly after her second birthday in the throes of my first divorce and custodial dispute. She endured many pains trying to navigate what to share, when to share, and with whom. Over time, it was easier for her to not say anything out of fear of having to explain herself.
In the wake of my sobriety and her paternity disclosure, she was moved back to Orange County. Prior to my sobriety, I would have blamed her mom and everyone else for the trauma my daughter was enduring. Afterwards, I realized if I am part of the system, I am part of the problem. I tried my best to role model introspection, accountability, and humility. Delilah’s hardships didn’t stop. She struggled with anxiety, depression, and a sharp inner critic, nagging at her to pursue perfection to the detriment of her wellbeing. Navigating school, her sexuality, and her relationships, along with the fragmentation of her identity, she reached a critical tipping point. In a desperate attempt to end it all, she took a handful of pills, but thankfully only ended up in a hospital inpatient unit where she could get additional support and resourcing. Along with the therapist she’s had since she was seven, she worked to rebuild her life from the inside out.
Throughout it all, she was loved by the people around her, with their conditioned beliefs and behaviors, projecting their unhealed trauma onto her - me included. Love felt like a confusing experience, one that both built her up and tore her apart. These were not the obstacles she wanted or chose, but the ones she needed to deepen her authenticity and self-trust. Despite the rocky terrain this young girl has endured, she has remained soft, gentle, kind, and loving. She has remained optimistic as she navigates ongoing traumas, alcohol in her household, and strained relationships. She is learning to set boundaries, prioritize her safety and security, and trust her voice. It is in this, trusting her voice, that has revealed all the beautiful and moving wisdom she has to share.
And, in honoring her voice, I am so very proud to share it with you all today.
From Daughter…
You recently shared with me a video that you created for your English class. There are so many incredible themes that emerge from this video - parenting, accountability, addiction, adversity, connection, love. Can you tell me what inspired you to make this film and what you hope to see as a result of sharing it?
The prompt for this project was to pick a topic that could relate to many people, and that also had two possible ways of resolving or handling the issue. My topic focused on the adversities that we face throughout our lives, while the two solutions were to either endure it alone, or center love in our lives. We had to find quotes, clips, and relevant arguments to support our speech, and my topic obviously revolved around the importance of love in our lives. I think that although this was a school project, the themes of love’s importance become increasingly essential while handling difficult situations. Although some may believe that love is a passive action, it must be actively pursued and used as a tool in communication. By sharing this video, I would hope that people begin to come back to something so simple yet crucial in their relationships with themselves and with the people around them: love.
One of the quotes that continues to resonate with me is, “love is necessary.” I couldn’t agree more. Could you expand on that, and possibly share with us how the absence or presence of love has hurt or healed you?
I know how fortunate I am to be surrounded by so much love; however, treating others with love is different than simply loving. Despite the love that I know is present in all of my homes, I often do not feel like I am being consistently treated with understanding from a place of love. This results in fighting, manipulation, dread, depression, anxiety, and so much more, all surrounding my home experience. The greatest thing I’ve noticed about the difference between my two homes is that when treated with understanding and compassion, I have the space to learn and grow, without the extra stressors or triggers. On the other hand, when having to manage judgment, criticism, scrutiny, etc., I feel trapped and cornered all while trying to do my best for myself. Throughout my life, this resulted in immense pressure, both from myself and from others.
You are only 16 years old, but your words speak with a timeless wisdom. How did you learn to nurture and share your voice?
Truthfully, I am so lucky to have the resources available that allow me to explore my emotions without judgment or scrutiny. I have been with my current therapist for over half of my life, and this is honestly the biggest factor in my learning both about myself and my communication. A second reason would be your involvement in my emotional growth, and our joint process of learning how to survive within our bodies, together. My life with you has taught me so much, a majority of which I use to cope in day-to-day life. I am so proud of myself for my emotional availability, even if it may not be consistent all the time.
We were recently at a meeting together, where you shared that your higher power is often aligned with the principle of being impeccable with your word. How has the first agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements, served you?
It is often difficult to remember what is true and what is only a feeling, and something I have said to myself for years is, “your feelings are real, but they are not fact.” I find myself feeling lost when I forget the impact that words and thoughts have on my mental state. Negative self-talk is common, and it is impossible to be completely rid of it—at least for myself. One of the most important practices that I have become accustomed to is correcting the statements both in my head and said to me. This could be simply switching a negative to a positive, or enforcing new affirmations after experiencing something negative. Either way, it is a strategy to protect myself, and my heart, from taking unnecessary hits that may lead into something more emotionally harmful.
In your video, you talk about your experience through adversity within a family system. What wisdom would you like to share for parents and kids alike who are also experiencing adversity within their family systems?
I think that the biggest thing I could share is exactly what the video was focused around: love is necessary. Though this might feel cliche or overplayed after hearing it so many times, I truly believe that it is the most important value in both interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships. Love is the driving factor in almost every connection we have, and in order to overcome adversity in the home and within families, it is incredibly important to center love in every interaction.
Thank you, beastie! I love you!
From Father…
There is such beauty and wisdom in the reflection, “love is necessary.” A reminder, an invitation, a mantra, a covenant.
For those unaware, working with adolescents and family systems is a huge passion of mine, deeply informed by my personal experience – we’ve all been a child in a family system, and some of you may have children (or grandchildren). I grew up in a culture of divorce, recreated that cycle twice before co-creating a new family system together rooted in unconditional love, acceptance, and positive regard. Love was necessary.
My wife and I support our kids through all their experiences, including their challenges with mental health. We don’t do it perfectly, nor do we strive to or believe we can. Life and people are not meant to be perfect. Instead of perpetuating our generational wounding and trauma, we got to work healing ourselves so we could show up whole, regulated, and loving for our kids. My journey of self-discovery and healing instilled a deep faith and trust that my children could find and heal themselves in the right environments, with the right resources. Psychedelics were a major catalyst in my journey, allowing me to reframe and release trauma, finding meaning and healing along the way, so I didn’t project or burden any unhealed shadow onto my kids. Love was necessary.
Parenting requires consistency and persistence. It requires an unwavering commitment to grow and learn with your kids through a never-ending process of introspection, accountability, and humility. Our example gives our kids permission to be messy, imperfect, authentic individuals. If we want our kids to respect us, we have to respect them. If we want them to trust us, we have to trust them. If we want accountability, we need to be accountable. If we want to see vulnerability and authenticity, we have to demonstrate vulnerability and authenticity. We build these attributes into the relationship when we role model and emulate the behavior we wish to see, and not through a series of “supposed” agreements the parent role “entitles” us to. Kahlil Gibran reminds us in The Prophet, “your children are not your children;” they’re living, breathing, dynamic souls with their own paths to forge and intricate lives to discover. Love is necessary.
Jung reminds us, “the greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parent.” It is our responsibility as parents to do the work necessary, to show up, be curious, and create a safe environment for them to live unburdened by our unhealed trauma. I share with you Delilah’s voice and experience as an example of the opportunity we have as parents to provide safe harbor for their emotional lives and a secure environment to maintain healthy attachment while simultaneously nurturing their true authenticity. Love is necessary.
Parents, you are loved, loving, and lovable. Children, you are loved, loving, and lovable. Loving yourself is an opportunity to heal. An invitation for others to follow suit. Life is messy. We are messy. Our relationships can feel and be messy. It is human; we are human. It is never too late to heal. To repair the wounds of trauma. To be accountable for our parts, our role, in the pains we see. Love is necessary. It is necessary in how we treat ourselves and how we treat others. Love is an act of grace, trust, acceptance, hope, confidence, and liberation. So keep loving, yourself and others.
Love is necessary. Be love!
With love & light,
Soul Surgeon
