Polyamory Versus Monogamy: Let's Talk About Love, Sex, and Enlightenment
First off, I must give my team a pat on the back because this is our 10th issue of The Container. We created this digital resource as a way of providing you, our beloved community, with responsible and vetted information about psychedelic medicine, health, and wellness. We’ve picked up so many new readers along the way, I’d like to quickly encourage you to reach out to let us know if there are particular topics you’d like more information on. This is a partnership, and like any partnership, it requires us to both talk and listen. We’re open to any suggestions!
Now, let’s dive into the subject that may have piqued your interest. I’ll be discussing the seemingly interweaved topics of psychedelic medicine, sexual health, and relationship preferences. I might sound like a broken record here, but I must reiterate that as a physician and healer, my stance on psychedelic medicine is just that - it’s medicine, which I believe when treated responsibly is used in earnest with the purpose to bring about healing. What is healing? Our unique path towards wholeness that integrates both past and present lived experiences from a place of unconditional compassion and acceptance. The goal here is to enhance our presence, not build reliance. Bringing me to my first point…
Sexual health is a fundamental area of our lives that deeply impacts our sense of wellness, from our self-confidence and fulfillment to our relationships with others. But, too often sexual dysfunction is a symptom of a root cause. The areas of our heart and psyche that hold our sexuality, and with it our sense of confidence, are extremely sensitive and tender. That goes for both men and women.
Forbes recently published an article, New Study Links Psychedelic Experiences To Better Sex. This provocative headline understandably and seductively links psychedelic medicine to “better sex,” but really Tommaso Barba, the first author of the study and a Ph.D. student at the Imperial College Centre for Psychedelic Research clarified that, “findings suggest potential implications for conditions that negatively affect sexual health, including clinical depression and anxiety.” We can decipher that both sexual health and our relationship to sexuality is improved by addressing and treating the underlying cause of clinical depression and anxiety - trauma.
For full transparency, most of the causes of sexual dysfunction are secondary to a traumatic event: depression (trauma), alcohol (addiction/emotional numbing), medication (antidepressants and blood pressure/stress), shame (infidelity, abuse, neglect), stress and cardiovascular disease, relationship conflict, illicit drug use, etc. More so, there are any number of conditioned beliefs and actions that perpetuate sexual dysfunction including shame, abuse, neglect, sex addiction, conflict, misattunements, and deficits of safety. The causes of these wounds are as varied and abundant as their expression. Anything from a simple remark from a friend or partner to the depths of shame carried with duplicity and infidelity to the lasting consequences of abuse and neglect has the potential to imprint into our sexual psyche like a parasite invading its host.
“The goal is to enhance our presence, not build reliance.”
Scientific Reports published “Psychedelics and Sexual Functioning: A Mixed-Methods Study,” stating that “previous research suggests that psychedelics are capable of fostering mindfulness capacities, enduring feelings of emotional empathy and connectedness towards others, positive attitudes towards one’s body and lifestyle, as well as increased curiosity and openness towards new experiences, all of which might impact on experiences of and attitudes towards sex.” Patients treated for depression with escitalopram (Lexapro) did not report positive changes meaning it is not “treating the depression” that improves sexual health or functioning, but rather treating the trauma and the root causes of the depression.
Psychedelic gifts are only fully realized when they are treated like tools within relationship containers to provide insight and acceptance to the whole self - when facilitated by a skilled healer who can use a framework to help the individuals better understand, accept, and integrate their lived experience. Psychedelics are not the next new pharmaceutical to be given like a magical pill because the pill isn’t magical. In fact, it isn’t even great at times. [Sound bite alert!]. Pills treat symptoms; healers help people heal. Trauma is created in relationships; it must be healed in relationships. Psychedelics in the hands of healers become a powerful tool for self-examination, self-discovery, and self-acceptance – all necessary in guiding clients back to a state of wholeness.
Is psychedelic medicine an option for those looking to improve their sexual health and ready to explore the root cause of that severed mind-body connection? Absolutely. In doing so, it’s imperative that the medicine is administered responsibly as the issues that could potentially arise may pertain to sexual trauma (assault, abuse, etc.). In the worst examples, there are frequent reports of psychedelics being used to perpetuate grave abuses and harm to vulnerable clients. Great care is required when endeavoring into psychedelic couple’s work where we are dealing with intimate and tender strings of the heart and psyche. Psychedelic medicine journeys can mend relationships, but can also serve as a marker for ending them. Psychedelics will not make the problems in ourselves or our relationships vanish, but instead illuminate them so that we can see the path towards healing.
Is polyamory some kind of “stepping stone” in a person’s healing journey?
This all to say that when a person embarks on their psychedelic healing journey and they find themselves led away from their partner, it is natural to begin to explore other avenues of intimacy and sexuality, as it is done when single, consenting, and curious. Is polyamory some kind of “stepping stone” in a person’s healing journey? The short answer is that yes, it can be. While I have my stance on psychedelic medicine, I thoroughly acknowledge their use in alternative settings, particularly the kind which serves as a space to explore sexuality with other consenting adults.
Should psychedelic medicine or the language around them be used to influence others towards alternative lifestyles? This is the incredibly nuanced discussion. An interesting observation I’ve noticed is the increasingly public adoption of polyamorous lifestyles from those in the depths of psychedelic journey work. Just as psychedelics, Burning Man and becoming a DJ have seemingly become stepping stones on the path to enlightenment, I am curious if polyamory is the new Rite of Passage? I say this both in jest, but also holding the kernels of truth. The common threads linking all of these expressions are feelings of connectedness, liberation, and unfettered joy. Play, also a vital component to our psychological and emotional liberation, cannot be denied from our sexual explorations. Just as kids want the freedom to explore and embody their childhood, this newfound psychic and emotional freedom could be the adult version of unstructured free play with self and others.
For the sake of safety and best practice, let’s assume we’re discussing ethically non-monogamous relationships where there are requirements, rules of engagement, agreements, and mutual consent. It is the ethical responsibility of the partners involved to abide by the rules, which allows all parties involved to make informed decisions about their consent. In these relationships, individuals have the power to come and go if they are built around a covenant of integrity. Not every relationship needs to be an indefinite commitment into eternity, and navigating various love and lifestyle arrangements allows a better understanding of what works for us and what doesn’t.
For over 20 years of my life, infidelity along with alcohol were the primary maladaptive strategies I used to cope with, or rather numb, the internal pain of believing I was not enough. I’ve been on the receiving end of infidelity and duplicity myself, which further exacerbated both my pain, injuries to my masculinity, and deep sense of shame. For too many years, duplicity and covert compartments were how I fragmented and lived my life. As an attempt to assuage my guilt, I endorsed polyamory as an evolutionary imperative, rejecting monogamy as “unnatural” and offering justifications such as, “people love for more than one kid. Why can’t there be enough love for more than one person?” All the excuses, justifications, and rationalizations ended when I was caught, imploding my duplicitous lifestyle and forcing me to reconcile my actions with my beliefs.
Despite the justifications, I never actually explored ethical non-monogamy. I only espoused the merits to allow my psyche and heart to heal from holding the shame of unethical infidelity (an oxymoron). The unacknowledged elements that were informing my beliefs were rooted in pain. Self-deceit became the regulator of my heart, limiting how much energy came and went to stem the feelings pain or shame. It was a safer prospect for me to share my “love” with multiple people – the more distant the better – rather than create a safe container to explore all aspects of an intimate relationship. It was unhealthy and hurtful to say the least. For those entering polyamorous relationships, I wonder if the tender areas of the heart wounded, armor erected, and fragile compartments created protect from the pains of further relational trauma?
For myself, I know wholeheartedly that a monogamous, committed and deeply connected relationship with Tami has been the most rewarding relationship of my life. It has been a sacred space for me to learn and grow every aspect of myself, to hold the well-being of my kids, and to create lasting and meaningful friendships. I suppose you can say that monogamy has been a “stepping stone” in my personal healing journey. It wasn’t until I met my co-creator that I truly believed in, or rather felt, the power of monogamy.
To love wholeheartedly, the heart cannot be distracted. It needs to be singularly focused on co-creating a living, breathing container that grows with your love. It is hard for me to imagine how this container can hold the love of multiple people, personalities, stories, and conflicts while still feeling safe and sacred. But, it is not for me to say it is not possible.
I believe that people need to make that informed decision for themselves based on where they are in their life. I would love to see more people enter the lifestyle of their choice from a place of rigorous honesty, free of self-deceit, and on a path towards wholeness. But ultimately, life and love are the greatest teachers. Learn well, dear students!
With love & light,
Soul Surgeon
Psychedelic Lobbying Pushes Forward While Drug Bust Rates Rise
NPR recently published an online article about the rising rates of ‘magic mushroom’ drug busts. Despite the incredible work organizations like Lykos Therapeutics (formerly MAPS PBC) have done to advance the research and legalization of psychedelic medicine, the frontier is still without protective and regulated law and thus seems as misunderstood and tempestuous as ever to the outside world.
If you lived in a major city like Los Angeles or New York around the time marijuana was making (somewhat) similar strides towards decriminalization, you would have seen that small storefronts were already finding ways to profit off the incoming gold rush. If you walk down the Venice boardwalk today, you’ll also find similar businesses doing the same with psilocybin. For the record, I do not encourage you to purchase any psychedelics from these businesses. I am a part of several communities which have tested said products only to reveal that there is no psilocybin in what is marketed as “magic mushrooms,” and that everything from THC, stimulants, and Amanita (another psychedelic, but potentially toxic mushroom) have been used as adulterants. There is zero regulation or safety guaranteed when patronizing these shops.
These drug busts are in response to acts of civil disobedience by profiteers who are capitalizing on the rigors of science, indigenous practices and mysticism. Nonetheless, these reprimands and headlines resemble the 60’s war on drugs and they're diluting the conversation around psychedelic medicine. As Dr. Joshua Siegel says in the piece, "It's important to understand what's happening in terms of the health care side of things. It's important to understand what's happening recreationally and legally." The nuanced truth is that as the narrative grows that psychedelic medicine does (already) have a place in the future of mental health care, so does the public’s curiosity and their efforts to acquire psychedelics. Much like the 60’s, this simultaneity is unavoidable.
It seems our local government, police force, and political spending/funding might be put to better use educating the public on psychedelic medicine, but I can’t shake the feeling that illegal businesses are doing far more harm than good and endangering the safety of their communities. Without federal and state regulation, the systems we have in place around psychedelics still focus on punishment and seizure. This lacuna in time is extremely sensitive and all we can do is hope that the trumpets of healing blare more loudly to the public than those of fear mongers and opportunists.
